It Is What It Is… Until It Isn’t

I used to say “It is what it is” like it was my job.

Whenever life got overwhelming—or unfair, or exhausting, or just too much—I’d shrug, smile, and drop that sentence like a mic.

Hosting parties every weekend, chasing kids, cooking for a crowd, trying to keep the house from looking like a disaster while making sure everyone else was having a good time?
“It is what it is.”

When my spouse was away for the third weekend in a row, and I was solo-parenting, managing the house, and swallowing the resentment?
“It is what it is.”

Working a high-pressure job, trying to keep tabs on every detail, fixing problems that weren’t mine, being the go-to for everyone while slowly falling apart behind the scenes?
“It is what it is.”

I said it like it meant strength.
Like it meant I could handle anything.
Like it meant I had accepted the chaos with grace.

But the truth?

That phrase was a mask.
A cover for burnout, disappointment, frustration, and a growing sense of powerlessness I didn’t want to admit.

Because saying “It is what it is” felt easier than saying:

“This is too much.”
“I’m not okay.”
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“I need help.”
“This isn’t working.”

It wasn’t until much later that I realized the phrase I thought was protecting me… was actually keeping me stuck.

Where I Used to Stay Stuck

For years, I wore that phrase like armor—especially in the spaces where I felt like I had no control.
Let me show you how it sounded in real life:

1. At Home — The Invisible Weight of Hosting

Weekends used to bring full-blown anxiety masked as hospitality.

My former partner genuinely loved entertaining. It brought them joy, and I appreciated that—but I never expressed how overwhelming it became for me. I had no say in the guest list, the size, or even whether we were hosting. I’d be the one cleaning, cooking, organizing the chaos, and trying to keep it all together.

Someone would inevitably say, “I don’t know how you do this every weekend.”

And without missing a beat, I’d smile and say,
“It is what it is.”

But what I needed was to say:
“Can we talk about who we’re inviting before we send out the texts?”
“I need support—and some weekends where we don’t host anything.”

2. In My Relationship — Quietly Carrying It All

When my ex was away every other weekend, I defaulted into solo parenting, house management, and life juggling.

People would ask how I handled it.
I’d shrug and say,
“It is what it is.”

But what I needed was to say:
“I’m exhausted and I’d love a weekend where I’m not in charge of everything.”
“Can we find more balance so I can recharge, too?”

3. At Work — Overfunctioning Disguised as Competence

In the workplace, “It is what it is” became my silent burnout anthem.

I felt responsible for knowing everything—client needs, campaign performance, internal drama, employee dynamics. People came to me because I always had the answer.

And when a friend would ask, “How do you keep all this straight?”
I’d say,
“It is what it is.”

What I needed was to say:
“I need more accountability from my team.”
“I’m not doing this alone anymore.”

Acceptance Isn’t Surrender—It’s a Starting Point

For a long time, I thought acceptance meant silence.

I thought being a “good” partner, mom, leader, or friend meant smiling through the stress, holding it together, and never making anyone uncomfortable by speaking up.

But what I’ve come to realize is this:

“It is what it is” is only part of the story.
Real growth begins when you also say…
“This isn’t working—and I’m allowed to change it.”

No one was wrong for finding joy in things that drained me.
My burnout wasn’t anyone else’s fault.

But I was responsible for the part I played by staying silent.
I didn’t speak up.
I didn’t communicate my needs.
I didn’t ask for help—or even give anyone a chance to offer it.

Instead of using my voice, I used a coping phrase.
“It is what it is.”
Translation: I’ll just keep handling it.

But healing didn’t come from that sentence.
Healing came when I started using new words.

“Can we check in before we commit to plans?”
“I’d love a quiet weekend to recharge.”
“I trust you to manage your part—please send me a weekly update so I can stay out of the weeds.”

It didn’t require blowing up my life.
It just required choosing small, intentional shifts in how I advocate for myself.

It Is What It Is… But It Doesn’t Have to Stay That Way

You’re never truly stuck.

Sometimes you’re just overwhelmed.
Sometimes you’ve been surviving for so long that survival feels like strength.
Sometimes you can’t see the way out because you’ve never practiced what it means to ask for more.

But here’s the truth:

“It is what it is” doesn’t mean you stop trying.
It means you start choosing differently—one step at a time.

You don’t have to flip the table.

You don’t have to cancel the party, quit the job, or rewrite your whole life in one dramatic moment.

You just have to start noticing where things aren’t working—and give yourself permission to change what you can.

That’s not weakness. That’s growth.

So the next time you catch yourself saying “It is what it is,” ask yourself this:

Is this something I’ve truly accepted—or just something I’ve silently surrendered to?
Is there a boundary, a request, or a conversation that could shift this?
What would change if I believed I was allowed to need something different?

Because you are.

You’re allowed to outgrow what once worked.
You’re allowed to want ease, joy, and peace.
You’re allowed to rewrite the rules of how you live, love, and lead.